Blog – Page 19 – john paganetti

Poor

I don’t know if I’ve ever been as destitute as I am now, or if I’m just now realizing how poor I’ve always been. I wonder what it’s like to be rich – my greatest fear is that I’ll never know.

I’ve been thinking about potential recently. Potential is something that’s immediately apparent and attractive to most people, and gets them thinking. Look at people’s reactions to an unfinished room, or an open-ended vacation. People love potential. They buy products that will let them take advantage of any situation that may come along, they buy movies and books about people who have cast aside their straight lives to see where life may take them.

But what I’m thinking about today is how potential is useless without action. Specifically, I could have a backpack that contains everything I would ever need, but it completely lacks value if it is not used. There is a point where further preparation is futile, and all that matters is action. I’m scared of getting hung up on that point, going over a checklist instead of diving in headfirst. I need to remember that potential is nice, but it isn’t the point.

My Mind is Wandering

I want to be gone so badly. I have no reason to stay here.
I’m sedating myself with movies and music and books, and it’s not working.
I’m this close to just starting walking.

Job Hunting

I left my last job about two weeks ago, right before the snowboard trip. I liked that job, but it was too far away. Far too far. I started looking for a job again, and it’s a very odd process. I’d imagine it’s more odd for someone like me who has no specific trade or skill. There is really nothing out of bounds. And I might have found a new one, that I can do from home. Which is a good thing, because that powerball ticket I bought the other day was bunk.

Kesey

I’ve been reading The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, and I’ve been loving it.
This passage in particular, from Kesey’s speech at the Vietnam Day rally:

I was just looking at the speaker who was up here before me…and I couldn’t hear what he was saying…but I could hear the sound of it…and I could hear your sound coming back at him…and I could see the gestures…and I could see his jaw sticking out like this…silhouetted against the sky…and you know who I saw…and who I heard?…Mussolini…I saw and I heard Mussolini here just a few minutes ago…Yep…You’re playing their game…

We’ve all heard all this and seen all this before, but we keep on doing it…I went to see the Beatles last month…And I heard 20,000 girls screaming together at the Beatles…and I couldn’t hear what they were screaming, either…But you don’t have to…They’re screaming Me! Me! Me! Me!…I’m Me!…That’s the cry of the ego, and that’s the cry of this rally!…Me! Me! Me! Me!…And that’s why wars get fought…ego…because enough people want to scream Pay attention to Me…Yep, you’re playing their game…

Reading this actually made me cheer.

Selfishness

When I think about my future plans, I’m usually flip-flopping between two distinctly different options.

a) Build a small house in the country that can completely support itself.

b) Stay in the suburbs, or move to a city, and try to influence things there.

I usually end up going in circles if I think about this for too long.
In the country, it’s easy to create something in the image of an ideal. But in urban areas, there is so much more to work with. But people are set in their ways, you’ll always be fighting against the current. Change is the one constant feature of culture. You’ll be stepping on people’s toes instead of letting them choose to make a change. You’re asking too much of people – most can’t make that change. You need to go to them. At least those who came would be committed. They’d also be disconnected from the rest of the world. What is the value in that? Isn’t there value in living well and being happy? Isn’t there value in helping other people? I don’t know.

I’m hoping I’ll have a better grasp of this by the end of this summer.

Monday

Didn’t snowboard much, and I’m grateful for that. Considering giving it up as a hobby – I don’t get enough out of it to justify the cost. I don’t really want to get more out of it either. Some of the folks we were with were really passionate about snowboarding, and that helped me see that it just isn’t something I really care about. Whatever. It’s not like it matters.

Snowboarding

I’m going snowboarding for a week in NH. In a cool little town called Lincoln.

I’ve been snowboarding for a long time. Nearly a decade, but I’m still kind of unsure about it as a hobby. On the one hand, I’m kind of lazy, and an entire day of physical activity doesn’t sound like much fun. I’m also always a little scared of snowboarding. On the first lift ride up, I always find myself asking “Why am I doing this?” I’m decent at snowboarding, and have never been injured while doing it, but that nervousness is still there. On the other hand, I really enjoy the feeling of flying down a nice open trail. Actually doing it always melts the nervousness away. Still, I feel it’s something that I do so infrequently that I could lose it as a hobby and not think twice about it.

Resolution:

I want to say the word ‘like’ less. In my grand tradition of grammatical resolutions, I would like to tackle another annoying feature of my writing. ‘Like’ is certainly an acceptable word in certain instances, like this one, but I have a tendency to use the word far more often than is required.